Head Buck Permits Lafayette County Deer to Stab Any Humans in Oxford

In an effort to control human overpopulation in Oxford, the Head Buck of Lafayette County has urged all residents to take aim and kill the animals that have threatened their tranquil way of life.

"With so many new residents moving here each year, building condos and cutting down trees, and with all the vehicle traffic that comes with that, it is a matter of time before we have a tragedy," Head Buck Joe said. "But I talked to some other deer and we feel this is best."

Head Buck of Mississippi, Stag, a 250 pound buck from Madison, MS, has explained to county officials the rules to follow during this controversial hunt.

"This ain't no trophy hunt," Stag said. "Don't go out there trying to only stab famous humans like Mayor Pat Patterson or sports coach Houston Nutt. Kill any human in sight- infants in strollers, college kids on bikes, elderly folks on scooters."

Not all deer are convinced that this is an appropriate method.

Doe, a deer, a female deer, and a member of the Deer for the Ethical Treatment of Humans, believes there are other ways to deal with the current situation. 

"The bottom line is that lethal methods don't work. Once we kill some humans, only more will move in to claim the condos and property left behind." 

DETH recommends several alternatives to antler stabbing for population control, including building inexpensive condos several miles outside of town, opening bars near the condos that stay open until 2:00 a.m., and finally, and most importantly, offering cold beer in that same location. 

"Most deer will keep the meat and take it back to their homes in the forest," Stag said. " Don't let the human meat go to waste. That would infuriate me."  

Struggling Daily Mississippian To Print Issues On Construction Paper

Surveying the empty offices of The Daily Mississippian, Editor-in-Chief, Tyler Clemons, shakes his head in disbelief.

"First our website goes haywire and now this," he says. The student-run newspaper recently changed its publishing format to resemble a high school newspaper by adding colorful pictures and "zany" quotes, stopping only short from introducing a gossip column. Many question why an award-winning newspaper would make these changes. Others, however, are thrilled with the "renovations."

"Pretty pictures; me likey!" remarked Bud Landrum, a third-year-sophomore. Unfortunately for Bud, the DM will soon only be able to provide the color associated with the particularly piece of construction paper which it is printed on.

"Somehow we forgot that the students will read this crap no matter what we print. We completely forewent the journalistic route and decided to print more "Fair or Foul" articles," explained Clemons. Incredibly, advertisers chose to buy ads in the Oxford Eagle since journalism was actually taking place within their offices.

"We'll bounce back," Clemmons believes, "fair or foul?"

Ajax Preemptively Closes to Avoid Likelihood of Fire, Drug Bust, Sex Charge, etc.

Owners of Ajax Diner announced Thursday they would be closing their doors indefinitly to avoid any cataclysmic embarrassment destined to plague the restaurant within the coming months.

"It ain't worth it, man." says 35-year-old Russell Finch, a dishwasher at Ajax whose name bears a scary resemblance to a recently disgraced restaurateur. "I tend to like younger-looking women, too. That's just asking for trouble."

As planks of inflammable wood clamped onto the windows of the famed diner, onlookers passed by without taking notice of the boarded building.

"Must be the economy," says Richard Yelverson, a tourist from Clearwater, Fl who is unaware that walking into any Oxford restaurant these days may implicate you in a felony.

In a time in which small towns are transcending into ghost towns, some locals are afraid the worst has yet to come.

"If the trend continues, McDonald's may be the safest place to feed my children," says Dana Wohart, a mother of four who has yet to make her mortgage payment for the month of January. "I can't afford to pay a bail bondsman a hefty fee because I decided to splurge one weekend afternoon and take my kids out to dinner. For now, McDonalds or Burger King is it. I haven't heard any negative press about them lately."

Party Pics Confirms Girlfriend Did Go Out Without You Last Night

Despite stressing the need to study for countless hours in order to prepare for her Spanish oral exam- even by convincing you to give her a ride to the J. D. Williams Library- your girlfriend definitely barhopped last night while you played Gears of War 2 with your roommate. You grew suspicious when she never called you back to pick her up. Then, today, your suspicions were confirmed thanks to Party Pics.

"I'd love to sit here and study while you and Zach conquer another level, but I need to be somewhere quiet," she lied through her teeth last night.

At one point, you found it peculiar that she was applying make-up while en route to the library, but mentioned nothing of it. And the fact that she carried her backpack along with a nondescript gym bag seemed nothing out of the ordinary. You assumed she had quite a lot of studying to do.

"Dude, you should have seen how many books she was carrying," you said to your roommate as he yelled obscenities into his headset.

"Dude, you should see how many kills I'm carrying," he responded.

Even while glued to the new 32-inch flat-screen your parents gave you for Christmas, you noticed your girlfriend text messaging at rapid-fire rate, a rate only surpassable by the rounds per minute your machine gun was spewing.

"This gun is so awesome," you explained to your disinterested girlfriend for the 5th time that evening.

There were other signs she may have been " living a double life"; a phrase coined by your roommate upon viewing the scandalous photographs:

• When you invited her to the "Halo III Jamboree" hosted by your friend, Sid, she arrived three hours late and heavily intoxicated, muttering, "How is this my life?"

• Your effort to name her new Labrador puppy, "Gandalf", was thwarted when she explained she preferred traditional puppy names.

• Her best friends list you in their cell phones as "Don't Answer"

• Her Facebook wall has postings mainly from other guys that say, "great seein you last night. you ARE crazy!" and "No more shots tonight, i'm serious." She explains that these are guys from her "night class".

• Her "night class" meets on different nights each week, including some Saturday nights.

Despite considering the damning evidence, you still remain unconvinced.

"Dude, this was probably photoshopped by one of those dudes I destroyed in Rainbow Six a few weeks ago. What a bunch of pranksters. Besides, it's not like I could do any better, ya know?

Josh Randle Campaign in Disarray After Accomplisment Left Off of Campaign Flyer

Office chairs smashed windows and office computers were set ablaze early Wednesday morning inside the Randle for ASB President's office when a young intern realized an extra-curricular activity was omitted from Josh Randle's official campaign flyer.

"Somebody will burn for this, I swear to God," Randle yelled across the room as he tossed a Molotov cocktail into the women's restroom.

Throughout his collegiate career, Randle was a member and an officer for the College Republicans of Ole Miss, however, a campaign worker forgot to include this when the lists were compiled for printing.

Mistakes like these can be costly during hotly contested campus elections. Many cited Cal Wells' failure to state his GPA on his campaign flyer as the sole reason for his loss to Rebecca Bertrand in the 2005 ASB Presidential elections. Some argued this omission was intentional.
Wednesday afternoon, students were quick to voice their opinions.

"I glanced at his flier and realized he had listed only 41 awards and accolades instead of 42. What kind of leader does he think he will be with such little experience?," James Howard, a junior from Madden, MS argued.


"This may seem trivial as of now, but what if he forgets to zip his fly during an ASB meeting?," Alley Reed, a senior from Jackson, MS questioned.

Others, however, were remained supportive despite Randle's misstep.

"He is in my fraternity, you idiot, of course I'll vote for him," Tolbert Hamm, a senior from Birmingham, AL quipped.

Despite differences in student opinion, the Randle camp was in panic mode Wednesday and blood and tears was a common sight.

"We regret the error and I hope Josh does not castrate me like he keeps promising, " said Kent Ford, a campaign spokesperson.

Andy and Kimber Kennedy Sex Tape Unlikely to Surface

A day after the police video of Andy Kennedy's arrest in Cincinnati leaked onto the internet, many began to wonder if a sex tape featuring the coach and his wife would surface.
"Not in a million years," says Officer Rex Skeilton of the Hamilton County Sheriffs Department. "You are more likely to find a tape of me treating an inmate with respect than you are to find a tape featuring Andy and Kimber in mid-coitus."
Though Coach Kennedy refused to comment, several Ole Miss co-eds expressed their concern that a camera may or may not have been involved.

In Related News: Nation Hopes Coach O Tape Never Surfaces

Ole Miss Basketball Team Tears ACL