Oxford Police Department Forced to Focus on Real Crimes

With the absence of Ole Miss students due to the winter break, the Oxford Police Department has shifted their priorities to matters they normally neglect during the other 11 months of the year. Michael Martin, Chief of Police, says its all part of the job.
"Yeah, I tell the boys that it's just that time of the year. Since the kids are gone, it allows us to play catch-up. You know, investigate other crimes that happened during the year such as aggravated assault, motor vehicle theft, destruction of private property, arson, burglary, forcible rape, illegal weapons possession, money laundering, etc."
Roger Goolsby, a lieutenant with the OPD, has his own opinions about the month devoted to fulfilling actual police work.
"This is a bunch of bull****. Oxford is a college town. That means we gotta look for college crimes. More than half of the population is gone. And you're telling me that now we have to investigate the crimes that happened while I was busy pulling over freshmen co-eds? Hell, all the crimes were probably committed by students anyway, and they aren't even here to bully or question. What kind of investigating is that?"
Officer Goolsby, a three-year veteran of the force, says the Oxford locals provide little motivational boost.
"Now I have to tend to crimes that affected the people who actually live here. I tell you, this town has some of the weirdest people. I'm ashamed to even be serving and protecting some of these freaks. They're always walking around, conserving gas, wearing scarfs and mismatched outfits. You think any of these weirdos are out drinking and driving? Of course not. Any extra money they have goes to paying an exorbitant amount of property taxes. Even if they fail to pay that, somebody else goes after them, not even us. Boooring."
Some officers, such as Officer Jamie Bridges, remain optimistic.
"I admit the mood in the office is kinda grim once it gets close to December. However, the chief says that come January 2nd, it's back to business," Cannon announced to a few employees at Shipley Donuts. "Its like when you buy a dozen of these. You can always expect that one of them won't taste as good as the rest. Might be kinda chunky and hard to swallow. That one, you see, is the month of December. But the other 11? Mmmmm."