In case you haven't noticed, we went out of business. Shocking, I know, but times are tough. "Print Journalism" is on its last leg. Money is tight and ad revenues are shooting through the basement. We aren't technically "print journalism," but that hardly matters at the moment.
My great step-grandfather founded this paper with his two bare hands. As he supervised 20 unpaid workers, he wrote in his journal, "Nothing like watching 20 unpaid workers build your masterpiece. That in itself, ole' chap, is a masterpiece."
Before the days of digital media and instant Twitter feeds and iStuff, there was my great step-grandfather and his cohorts, objectively skewering the news to fit their own half-witted agenda, and we should honor their legacies.
Our paper was doing fine when I first took over. The bills got paid. The phones were answered. The coffee was hot. Then the year 2000 hit, and our computers went haywire. Initially I blamed Y2K, but then 9/11 happened, and I knew who the real culprits were.
Ever since that horrific episode, The Oxford Rebellion has famously researched and reported on the Taliban without fail. Whereas other hokey newspapers moved on to other issues such as Global Warming and Michael Jackson spend-the-night parties, our paper stood firm- terrorists, make our day.
Then our offices in downtown Oxford were raided by the IRS. They said we owed taxes, but I knew the truth. The Taliban had struck the American heartland once again.
For the safety of my employees and also my pets, I decided to leave the issue alone and focus on more localized content. Perhaps I salvaged one American life. Pat me on the back when you get a chance.
That brings us to the present. Bills are unpaid, phones are dead, and the coffee is frozen. I'm smoking 2 packs an hour and I have a house account at Star Liquor. Many of you have inquired as to why I haven't been in church lately. The truth is, I'm usually too drunk to drive. But I do watch it on television when the remote control works properly.
My paper would still be in business if certain folks around this town bought ads. Yes, in fact, I could open up shop tomorrow if just one lousy no-good American-hating Oxford citizen would offer to purchase some space in our next paper. In the past, my relationships with the smelly, cheapskatin' townsfolk has been great. I don't know what has changed.
Some argue that the reason I haven't published an issue in quite a while is because I don't have any ideas. Are you sirius like a satellite radio station? I think of new article ideas every day. I am usually just too drunk to type, er, can't afford to print the paper because of a lack of ad revenue. Examples:
EXAM WEEK REPORT: Adderall Much More Effective When Snorted
EXAM WEEK REPORT: Probably Your Last Semester Here, Dumbass
EXAM WEEK REPORT: Teacher Looking Forward to Summer Vacation Spent Teaching Summer School
EXAM WEEK REPORT: Cramming Before an Exam More Productive Than Huffing Paint Before an Exam
EXAM WEEK REPORT: 'Dog Ate My Exam' Excuse Works for the First Time in History
EXAM WEEK REPORT: The DM Now Accepting Cave Drawings for its Editorial Cartoons
SUMMER REPORT: Skin Cancer Not As Cool As Tanning Bed
SUMMER REPORT: Orientation Leaders Convince Incoming Freshman To Demean Themselves
SUMMER REPORT: Chancellor Jones To Backpack Through Europe to 'Find Himself'
SUMMER REPORT: Counselor at Christian Camp Starting to Feel Guilty About That Spring Break Threesome
SUMMER REPORT: Girlfriend Promises to Stay Faithful During Her Two-Month Internship in Cozumel.
SUMMER REPORT: 'It's So Peaceful Now That All of the Students are Gone,' Says Student
SUMMER REPORT: Coach Bianco Cancels Reservations For Two at Omaha Steakhouse & Grille
Misc. : Double Decker Bus Refuses to Go Green
Misc. : Entrepreneur Pat Patterson Crowned 'Supreme Commander of Oxford'
Misc. : Paranoid City Hall Official Swears She Hears a Ringing in the Red Phone Booth
Misc. : Ya-Ya's Salon & Spa Challenges Ya-Ya's Frozen Yogurt to a Duel
Misc. : Oxford Celebrates Arrival of 5ooth Attorney.
Misc. : '3.5 miles from the Square' Books Holds Grand Closing Sale.
Misc. : College Student Rejoices After Attractive Co-Ed Misidentifies Wal-Mart Fleece as a North Face Fleece
The list continues but I've got some whiskey to attend to. Are we out of ideas? Are we out of money? You be the slimy, corrupt judge.
Either way, we won't go down without a fight. (unless it is the Taliban) If you or your loved ones want to help revive the most worthy newspaper in Oxford, please contact me. We need your help. More so now than ever before. God Bless Your Charitable Soul.
-the publisher
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