Ajax Preemptively Closes to Avoid Likelihood of Fire, Drug Bust, Sex Charge, etc.

Owners of Ajax Diner announced Thursday they would be closing their doors indefinitly to avoid any cataclysmic embarrassment destined to plague the restaurant within the coming months.

"It ain't worth it, man." says 35-year-old Russell Finch, a dishwasher at Ajax whose name bears a scary resemblance to a recently disgraced restaurateur. "I tend to like younger-looking women, too. That's just asking for trouble."

As planks of inflammable wood clamped onto the windows of the famed diner, onlookers passed by without taking notice of the boarded building.

"Must be the economy," says Richard Yelverson, a tourist from Clearwater, Fl who is unaware that walking into any Oxford restaurant these days may implicate you in a felony.

In a time in which small towns are transcending into ghost towns, some locals are afraid the worst has yet to come.

"If the trend continues, McDonald's may be the safest place to feed my children," says Dana Wohart, a mother of four who has yet to make her mortgage payment for the month of January. "I can't afford to pay a bail bondsman a hefty fee because I decided to splurge one weekend afternoon and take my kids out to dinner. For now, McDonalds or Burger King is it. I haven't heard any negative press about them lately."