Stage Set For "Fear of Death"

My buddies and I volunteered to stand backstage during the sound test for the band, Fear of Death. These guys play folk rock mixed with a little country. Sounded good from where we stood but we were mostly in the green room scoffing down finger sandwiches and staring at the band members' girlfriends.

One girl was named Mandy. She was from Arkansas and said we were the "worst sound technicians ever." Not quite sure what qualifies her to make such a superfluous statement but we let it go. My buddy, Crewchief Hawkstein (not his real name), started to argue but his mouth was full of turkey and Gouda cheese. Can't waste a free meal.

The bassist's girlfriend was named Suzy or Juzy, one of the two. Juzy spoke softly and always looked like she had just dealt one and was too embarrassed to leave the scene in case one of us said behind her back, "Whoa, who just cut the Gouda cheese?" She had attended a small Christian school in Kansas and majored in English. I asked her if she considered it wrong to edit the Bible.

"Nothing is wrong with the Bible," she stated.

"I think I saw this one verse that ended with a preposition."

"What verse?"

"How should I know," I quipped, "You're the Bible major." My antics drove her away and as she exited the green room and entered the hallway I loudly spoke,

"Whoa, who just cut the Gouda cheese?"

Crewchief Hawkstein burst into laughter because he was thinking the same thing. Unfortunately, half of his sandwich exploded from his mouth, thereby wasting a free meal.

The lead singer's girlfriend was by far, and trust me, I'm a good judge of whether you are HotorNot.com, the least attractive girl this side of the Snake River.

We'll call her Betty Sue. Mainly because that is her actual name and if she happens to read this, I want her to know exactly how we felt about her. Betty Sue, get a room. In another country. Maybe a brothel, like the one in the movie "Hostel." Oh wait, I meant hostel. Oh golly, silly me. As if a BROTHEL would take your repulsive arse. A brothel in East Germany wouldn't take you and they....wait the wall fell? Oh. Anyway...
You are stunningly hideous. I know your boyfriend is in a 2-star folk band that will never advance beyond touring the state of Mississippi and maybe Alabama if they are having a crappy week and need a crappy band from Arkansas to round out another crappy week, but please spare him this humiliation we call "your existence".

Okay, I'm kidding. She was by far the hottest one of the four girls. I only say all of this because she ignored me when I asked if she liked the movie "Amelie" and when I asked if she was into French wine. She ignored me for a third time and rolled her eyes when I asked if she enjoyed reading "Madeline" books.

See, earlier in the day, I read in a manly magazine that girls love anything foreign. Foreign films, foreign food, foreign dudes, etc. I went home and Altavista'd "French Films." Amelie (pronouned Amy Lee) popped up, or should I say pooped up since Altavista only returned 4.8 results. Then I searched for "French wine." Suddenly, my computer started smoking and my monitor began to visibly cry. Apparently Altavista.com can't handle more than two searches in one hour. I set the record. I immediately received a phone call from Caller ID "Bangladesh Calling Card". Some guy with an accent who claimed to be "the only IT employee Altavista.com has ever had" told me to lay off the website because "it takes longer to Google your search queries than you think." When he finished Googling "French Wine" he read the results aloud. Either his accent is pretty thick or I have trouble hearing, but I couldn't pronounce a single wine he said. I decided to stick to "French wine" if I ever asked a girl about her favorite French wine.

Asking Betty Sue about Madeline came out of nowhere. Call me Don Coyote if you want to. I'm just that smooth.

Yet, she rolled her eyes. But that is fine. You live, you learn. Alanis said that once.

The fourth girl was named Benny Hannah. She was cute in that, "God, she is cute," kinda-way. We only spoke briefly because by the time I got around to staring her down Fear of Death showed up and starting yelling and throwing out all these accusations that I frankly didn't have time for. My buddies and I left and vowed never to be sound men for Fear of Death again. Their girlfriends sucked anyway.